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Thursday, January 17, 2002

borrowed from punchline:

cocktail innovations - Unveiling the Hottest New Drinks Coming in 2002
The new century has proven an uncertain time for the cocktail. It seems as though everything has been done before. Done better. Done with more panache. Now bars and restaurants seemed burdened by dim knockoffs, vague homages to the sturdy distilled concoctions of the past. Instead of classic martinis we have the pink and fruity Cosmopolitan. Replacing a reliable shot of whiskey is something chilled and flecked with gold. And where once when you wanted to be wild you ordered a Mai Tai and a paper umbrella, the bartender now expects you to suck the foam from a shot named after slang for oral sex.

Where has the real innovation gone? Where is the willingness to take a risk that compelled the first thirsty primitive to mix gin and tonic? Have we run out of options? Of course we haven't. We've just been too busy chugging the stuff to be able to stop and sort out what it takes to make a decent drink. So we paid a small panel of mixology technicians to sit together in a room and come up with what will most likely be the hottest drinks of the coming year. Cheers!

The Flaming Flame
A generous shot of 151 proof rum, lit and swallowed while burning will separate the men from the boys. This drink gets right back to the basics and lets others know that you are someone who isn't afraid of a little permanent disfigurement.

The Tart and Tangy Face Panty
A delicious combo of fruit liqueurs and tonic water served in a shallow bowl. The quickest way to get the best taste and buzz from the TTFP is to submerge the face so that the nostrils are completely covered. When this is accomplished, simultaneous sucking through the mouth and blowing through the nose produces a unique sensation not unlike downing in champagne. Bibs are recommended.

The Cardiac Arrest
Red Bull and espresso with Mountain Dew served warm with a jigger of Jagermeister. If you've never felt truly awake, you will after one of these. By awake we don't mean in that open-minded spiritual sense either, we're talking heart pounding through the t-shirt, cranium sweating, goose stepping alertness, the likes of which have not been seen since the fabled French roast IVs of the missile silo crews during the Bay of Pigs.

The Ving Rhames
Not much more than a Shirley Temple, but instead of Sprite and grenadine syrup, it's Sprite and Hershey chocolate syrup. Garnish with a pickle and order with confidence that people will no longer think you're some girly drink loving freak.

Milky White Discharge
Malibu rum, heavy cream and cottage cheese served straight up in a snifter. The name may seem a turn off to the opposite sex, but once folks get an eyeful of you sipping a MWD, yourreputation as someone who enjoys the thickest, richest and lumpiest things that life has to offer is all but guaranteed!

Bloody Mouthwash
Grey Goose vodka, the sophisticate's darling, served over ice and glass shards in a jagged lipped shaker. The Fight Club of cocktails, The BM will surely become a status symbol in the swankier metropolitan clubs and sadist bars.

Sad, Lonely Bastard
Rum and orange soda served in an oversized coconut bowl with four straws and a ridiculous amount of novelty garnish. The first cocktail designed to attract somebody, anybody, to the fish-faced straw sucker all by him/herself in the corner. The various plastic monkeys, swords, fruit and sparklers are intended to attract the eye of passersby who would not normally engage in social interaction with someone who drinks from an oversized coconut bowl.

God Bless America
In these times of American pride, what better way to show solidarity than to combine the two beverages that make this country great. The GBA is a 22-ounce thirst quenching combination of Budweiser and Coca Cola, on the rocks, garnished with a tiny paper flag.

The Veal Margarita
Why settle for the sub par selection of bar snacks when you can get your drink on and your eat on at the same time? The VM offers the finest lean ground veal in a delicious frozen tequila concoction. Garnish with asparagus, new potatoes or spaghetti squash.

my own personal addition, to be used by bartenders everywhere when that annoying drunk breaks the last straw:

shut the f*ck up
a shooter of root beer schnapps, triple sec, and sour mix. as soon as the pest takes the shot, a strip of duct tape is slapped on his/her mouth.


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