:: off on the wrong foot ::
...some kind of awkward journey

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Sunday, March 11, 2001

this past week was terrible. i have been sick and have been acting like a huge baby. in a week, i will start a new career - the one i have studied for and worked towards for the past 5 or so years. and i'm scared. it means a total change in my lifestyle. i can't go out during the week anymore, because i can't afford to be tired the next day in lab while mixing chemicals. sure, if i was sitting at a computer and could make mistakes that i could fix, it would be one thing. but with this kind of work, you can't really afford to screw up. i have to be on my best behavior because i'm contracting at first and am trying to get a permanent position in the company. so for the first time in my life, i have to be a completely 100% responsible (mature) person. i think i've been trying to make up for it in the past week by being as irresponsible (immature) as i can be.

well it all just makes me feel old. i know that technically, i'm not old. just about to hit 25, but when you hang around with 21 and 22-year-olds, you notice some big differences. i lucked out in college (at least i think it was lucky). i worked a 9-to-5 job, fitting hours i could work around my classes. it made for long days, but it worked. so i've never had to work in the restaurant industry, the most common employment for college students around here. but it also separated me from them - while they worked late, hung out later, and had class in the afternoon, i worked early and in the afternoon, had class at night, and didn't hang out much. i consider sleeping til 10 to be "sleeping in" and have a hard time sleeping later than that, even after being up late at night.

so what's the problem here? well, it's just that i don't know many people my age that are at this same stage of life. i find myself dating younger men, who date younger women, who i feel that i can't begin to compete with. i just wish that i could find someone, friend or more, who understands where i'm coming from.

the other week i ran into a friend who told me that another friend of ours is moving to australia. he's going through a "quarter-life crisis". i laughed about it then, but this past week has made me wonder if there really merit to the concept.


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